the enemy archive is  a think tank in public viewMaterial in black is correspondence, while material in red is creative, fictitious made up stuff... sometimes. oxo, emergency exit. 


enemy archive number 3

January 4 2008




Where shall I begin. The muck, I’ll begin in the muck because that is all.

 

 A man stuck up a tree

A man buried to the neck in porridge

A man with a bird in his head

A man after being keel hauled

A man with a stick in his ear

A man with a lit cigarette up his nose

A man whose tie is caught in a moving taxi’s door

A man holding an umbrella who is knee deep in a puddle

A man with three fallen yo-yos

A man with nothing to do

A man in a belfry holding a pie

 

A woman about to sit on a paper airplane

A woman with a cash register balanced on her head

A woman with a goldfish in her hand

A woman stepping into a manhole

A woman hiding a bomb in a birthday cake

A woman shooting sparrows atop a telephone pole

A woman with four playing cards in her mouth

A woman using her elbows on an escalator

A woman whose tongue is caught in a mouse trap

A woman contemplating the absence

A woman on a small bridge in a park with a tuba

Kev


Wednesday May the 23rd
In a tiny little diner on the east side of town A just had a heart attack, B found love by the duck pond, C is about to hail a cab where she will accidentally meet her father for the first time, high up in the clouds is D gripping the armrests, this is the first time that E has eaten a meal not fed to him through a tube- he is 11 years old, F just wants to party, G is conveniently throwing a party at a very successful club kind of restaurant kind of cafe kind of hotel kind of bar kind of concert venue kind of place, only H wasn’t invited, I is polishing an antique WW2 firearm, J is afraid he’s losing his mind, a new airport is being erected where K’s home used to be, L has never flown an unsupervised trans-atlantic flight before, Its been a busy night for M who just became a paramedic, N doesn’t want to play anymore, O is afraid of falling out of the tree he’s climbed, No one has seen P for weeks, Q is in charge of searching the lockers, R has had a migraine that makes her feel like a eggshell under an anvil for about 3 days, S is about to vomit backstage, T is worried about sagging ass and breasts, U has a PhD in biology specializing in the effects of weightlessness on the functions of the human heart, about 5 people saw V leave the house in his 78 chev-olds, X is about to become poetry, Y will never know what hit her, The radar just malfunctioned after Z spilled his moccacino all over the controls. Just another day.
(K) 


enemy archive 2 (The Evening News/ small craft warnings)

last entry for evening news/scw
March 13 2007

special thanks go out to special guests Rick Patterson, Brad Crawford, the administrative staff and crew at the station, Kenny for the  technical know-how, Big Ed for the deliveries and the donuts, Baron Von De Heikopper for the lodging, Hurricane for keeping the kitchen open late and our spirits up after many long broadcasts, and all those brave souls who kept the transmissions coming despite the odds- RIP to some, but bless whatever force continues to let us send you The Evening News. These have been your small craft warnings.
Safe Home.
John Thompson & Jack Ward
The Evening News
(K)

march 3, 2007
dear john and jack,
i’ve been listening to your show for about six years now. the wife and i love the program and tune in to it nightly, almost religiously. i had a half sister in perth, australia. she is now gone. my father lived in prestwick, scotland, which is also gone. june, our niece travelled to japan to teach ESL last year. well, japan is no more as of yesterday. i guess what i want to know is will the sky ever stop from falling? i’m a chiropractor and have a practice out here in sioux lookout. when’s our time?
regards,
jim lemington.
sioux lookout, ontario
p.s. if you could play some KC and the Sunshine Band, that would make me feel a whole lot better. (sean)

february 28, 2007: message marked urgent
dear jack ward and john thompson
no sooner was i listening to your broadcast last night when a big piece of the sky fell on our neighboring cul de sac. we've lost several of our closest friends including the hurleys, the linton couple, all of the mackenzie family (who always hosted the neighborhood barbeques) and the wilsons (mr. wilson was my husband phil's accountant.) phil is beside himself right now and both of us are very upset and anxious. we have families, ourselves, that live here. anyhow, i thought you might like to know that the bismarks are still standing in meadowdale and we love your program.
sincerely
anne bismark
meadowdale, wyoming (sean)

February 25, 2007
1)Last weeks shocking and/or startling sudden decision in the city of Toronto where citizens were called upon to turn in all guns licensed and unlicensed to the proverbial authorities has created room for a new craze that’s sweeping the nation. It’s a game called popcorning. No you can't eat it. This game entails whipping unused bullets at random strangers for points. So while the city is sleeping better due to a lack of gun violence, local hospitals are trying to deal with the overwhelming amount of cases of missing eyes and cerebral hemorrhaging. The mayor says this is a small price to pay for a lower homicide rate. City Hall will be hosting the first ever “popcorn” awards for those with the highest amount of points by the end of the year.

2)The raging debate between the scientific community and the Christian right over the issue of global warming has reached a climax of agreement today. Both parties have agreed that while the effects of global warming are real, the phrase ‘global warming” is not.

3)Are your children are having too much fun? A group of local scientists, at the behest of a few concerned families, will spend this summer investigating this question.
Lindy Zucker (Local News Urban Life Analyst)


February 23 2007
Two nights ago there was an armed robbery of two guards restocking the ATM down the street from us, quite literally a two minute walk from our home. One of the guards' guns was stolen as well. No one was seriously hurt.
We've run out of cat food, but on my way to the grocery store my son fell asleep so we had to turn around and come home. Poor kitty is hungry, so I'll give him some deli meat.
Julie Anne Amis (Pets and Crime Magazine)

February 22, 2007
1. A cabbie returned 31 diamond rings to a customer who left him a 30 cent tip.
2. The Salvation Army at the corner of Guy and Notre-Dame is incredibly depressing despite it's two fantastic window displays - one of all robin's egg blue coloured objects, the other of red and black objects. The one article of clothing of interest found by one Sean Frey, theatre artist and student at Concordia University, was a pair of blue pants - an exact duplicate of his favourite pair at home, except with a size 72 waist.
3. La Sala Rosa (4848 boul. St-Laurent), a favourite breakfast place in Mile End serving delicious latin flavoured goodies and great coffee no longer serves breakfast. Instead it's open for dinner, serving amazing latin food and some of the best flan you'll find.

noah k- (Montreal leisure report)

feb 20/07
on april the 13th, 2036, it is reported that a sizeable asteroid will make an impact with planet earth. scientists are working around the clock to come up with a possible solution to avoid global devastation and potential end to all life as we know it. the think tank has resolved with two relatively strong actions. one being the use of detonating weapons in outer space. the other by using gravitational pull to manipulate the asteroid's course. either way, you can be assured walmart will have long line-ups for bottled water that week. the canadian tire franchise advises to buy matches, candles and fuel early rather than leaving it until the last minute.
this bulletin was generously brought to you by vasalene petroleum. "vasalene petroleum.. even when you don't need to."
up next, the monks. (sean)

February 19- early morning
Huge civilian bodycount in Iraq today after the explosion of several car bombs somehow that doesn't feel like news anymore kind of like saying someone was murdered in Darfur or the water is kind of salty in the dead sea toronto is cold right now or the next pres of the US is not going to be a white man but still it needs to be mentioned as do all those other things because we have to care don't we. Isn't it something how those first few Afghanistan based Canadians getting killed made some pretty serious news but who can tell me the names of the last 2 Cnadians killed over there- or hows about the last single Afghani? (I can't either) So here is my phone in question of the day: In war when do we stop giving a shit about the human beings that are the sitting ducks in a big oily fucking pseudo-conflict? What if everyone went AWOL at the same time, just said "I've had enough, and my Mum, Dad, kids and my Auntie Bess are worth more to me than a gigantic bullet-prize lottery!" What if?
In other news: eat more dark leafy greens- they are good for you. Kevin John Rees

Broken bog (ahem, newscast on blog)
But my bog is busted. It happened about an hour ago. I heard the sound of running water, and went in to find the tank part wouldn't stop filling. An overly ambitious toilet. Who thought it possible. (This reminds me, inconsequentially, of the tea bag 072666 and I found on our winter vacation in Cornwall in '99. To quote the dear fellow upon its discovery: "Look! It's the most ambitious tea bag in the world! And now, I shall BREW THE SEA!"
But back to my crapper. There was quite a kerfuffle. Javi came over and showed me how to turn off the tap, and told me I have a broken floater. Then Fred, my other upstairs neighbour and a notoriously handy sort, was trying to tell me how to fix it. I officially decided, though, that I will not extend my DIY aspirations to the arena of plumbing. I WILL not.
I finally managed to get ahold of my superintendent, who, bless her, told me the location of a secret key to her home that I might use her washroom, should there be any need, until it all gets fixed tomorrow. I have to confess, I am feeling very coddled about the whole crisis, at the end of it all. Glorious neighbours and blasted old buildings. (heheh) Honest to bog.
Stef Lenk (Lifestyles)

thursday, february 8th, 2007. early today, anna nicole smith was found dead by her housekeeper. smith was between 36 and 39 years old. Her death was ruled as an overdose of a sleeping pill called Nembutal. Several conspiracy theories immediately have surfaced after her death, some involving President John F. Kennedy and/or Robert Kennedy. There is also much speculation that her death was accidental, but the official cause of death was "probable suicide" by acute barbiturate poisoning. smith was most known for her work with playboy magazine, and her performances in such films as "some like it hot", "the seven year itch", "gentlemen prefer blondes" and "something's got to give". smith is survived by ex-spouses; james dougherty, joe dimaggio and arthur miller. (sean.)

February 9, 2007
1. A fellow that Richard works with (who happens to be the boss's son) pulled a no call, no show this week. Go figure his dad was out of town on business. Richard called his dad to see if he had heard anything. "Not to alarm you, sir, but your son has not showed up or called in to work this week. Needless to say, dad knew nothing about it and so Richard called this fellow again and finally reached him. "Hey, it's me..." "How's me?" replied Mr. Absent. "Richard, from work - what's going on?". To which Mr. Absent says, "I've been in a bad mood so I didn't feel like coming in." "The guys are mad at me and I feel like I've set a bad example and also driven down morale in the shop so I just didn't feel like coming in, plus my girlfriend got tired of it and left me..." Guess what - now you are unemployed according to your dad's employee handbook. Can you believe he was shocked to hear this? 2. My car broke down in the pharmacy drive through today. A woman pulled up behind me so I got out of the car and told her "Sorry, car's dead". She says "Thanks for telling me" and proceeds to back up and go through the drop off lane instead of offering to help me at all. I had to push the car out of the drive through myself and wait for Richard to come and get me. Two other cars drove right past me and didn't even ask if I needed help. What's the world coming to. So much for southern hospitality. On a lighter note - 3. My almost 4 month old daughter pulled herself to a standing position on her nana this afternoon. 4. My 3 year old dressed himself almost entirely without my help. Hope this helps! Les (Atlanta: Georgia, USA)

February 9, 2007 Get this. Pipe bursts yesterday. Minor disaster...which could have been worse, because we were able to isolate the problem to the cheap sunroom addition on the back of the house (made in the 70s with crap materials) and most of the water spilled outside. We will now have an ice rink the backyard until early spring. (Mr. Colin Rivers, ee weather analyst)

February 9 2007 News Flash (Scientific Research Division): Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania today released the results of a study suggesting that girl clothes are more difficult to fold than boy clothes. Though the reasons have yet to be confirmed, it is believed that a variety of devices built into girl clothes, which are not found in boy clothes, are the cause. (S. Thomas Stedman, SRD))
xo

MORON BLOCKS SUBWAY DOOR!
February 8, 2007: This morning at approximately 8:24am on the TTC Bloor/Danforth line a complete moron blocked the door to a subway train while people were trying to exit. The moron then blocked the door while other people were trying to enter the train. This is the 1024th consecutive business day that the moron has blocked a door to a TTC vehicle at least once. When asked to comment the moron stated, "What! You can't walk around me here?" while gesticulating wildly and bumping a nearby passenger's coffee cup. Another passenger was quoted as saying of the moron, "That guy's breath smells like he had a bowl of assholes for breakfast".
(A Lazor, Toronto Transport Critic)

here are my news: February 8 2007
gestern morgen hat es in paris geschneit. nur zwei stunden, dicke flocken, sind aber sofort wieder geschmolzen.
le soir, j'ai vu un ami qui habite à toulouse maintenant et il m'a raconté qu'il ne faut pas a voir beaucoup d'argent pour etre heureux. après on a fumé un pétard.
beste gruesse
nina (Paris Correspondent)

February8, 2007 1. Canadian Press. With the introduction of the Conservative government’s $100-monthly-cheque programme, administered to every family who might want some “help to offset the costs of childcare”, comes another daycare- related reform. Formal, public daycares have uniformly increased their fees by $5 a day, while the average full-time schedule sees a child in care for 20 days per month, bringing the total hike in price to $100. “Rationalist” groups are calling on the government to save the postage of 51 cents per mailout, and subsidize the daycarecentres directly.

2. Associated Press. Effective today, the Toronto Transit Commission has announced that feet will no longer be allowed on seats. Nor any longer will feet be allowed where we eat. Further, no feet will make direct eye contact with authorities and must henceforth refrain from activities that could be construed as overtures toward unionization. Ever vigilant. In an unusual move toward tolerance, however, beginning on May 9th, both carbon and cotton feet will be permitted on all vehicles and in all stations of the Toronto Transit Commission. (HLash, local correspondent)

February 7, 2007 Hmm news from Vienna. Will have to wait another day to discover what's going on hereabouts cause we just got back from Canada...there's some news. Polly Marie Oswald is now sitting up on her own, playing with her toys and eating solid foods. So long to the smell of buttermilk diapers. On March 3 and 4th The Vienna Theatre Project is presenting the Vagina Monologues for Eve Enslers V-Day campaign as well as hosting a Pink and White fundraising party for Women Without Borders. Dress code you guessed it...pinkandwhite. The Oswald-Fergusons are moving house on March 1st and are terrified of their first crushing mortgage. Is this really the right thing to do?? (Adee Ferguson, Viennese Correspondent)

Feb 5, 2007 9:45am Today it is -26 (with wind chill). I froze my ass off walking a few hundred metres from my house to the subway. I arrived at work, expecting to find a warm haven, only to discover that the building pipes had frozen, thus shutting down the radiator heating system. I am very, very, very cold. Is this news? (Mr. Colin Rivers, ee weather analyst)

February 3 2007
Baron Von De Heikopper laid waste to his estates sitting room last evening in what can only be described as a drunken fit. Several volumes of wine afficianado books were found in tatters all about the room, furniture was shifted and rug crumpled. De Heikopper was dicovered passed out on the dining room floor an hour later by a chamber maid performing her nightly rounds. When questioned by the maid, he simply drooled, looked up and smiled. It is not known if these fits run in the De Heikopper"s bloodline. K


januar harminc kettoezerhet (sorry no accents) two old friends met at a vegetarian buffet today to talk not about old times but about the here and the now the big stuff like god and death and peace and capital corporal and self punishment as well as foreign languages colourful food and decent books to read there was snow on elm street and bright overhead lighting not to mention a feeling of comfort belied by looking to the right. some say that looking to the left implies a cover-up, a lie. What in the good name of subconscious body habit does looking to the right mean? that is our question of the day. Come all yeeeeeeeee philosophs debutantes and dime store neuropsychologists tell tell tell. In entertainment news today we saw a bunch of movies playing a bunch of music making noise and a hell of a lot of paintings hanging on walls. As for the news whats left of it we're doing our best to keep up
Kevin

same day is here again: how do you spend hypothetical money?

jan thirty two thousand&seven two AM..... some ways to feel uncomfortable migraine headache waking up with your friend's wife lung cancer cat scratch on the lip awkward silence spiking a fever the moment you know the relationship is over stepping on a nail drinking until you're sick waking up with piss on the sheets absest tooth twisted ankle ear infection, twenty thousand feet heartburn head hitting the windshield, head on bumping into an exgirlfriend not having enough money to pay the bill shark tank saying the wrong thing in a public place drinking too much coffee on an empty stomach failing to impress someone at a club spilling your drink urinating with a yeast infection trying to explain stupidity afterwards enjoying walt disney films hiding the reality of your HIV a flu shot a nose bleed not knowing quite what to say not hearing the punchline but laughing anyway wet clothing from being caught in the rain shit stains on your underwear electric shocks big or small ingrown hair getting caught stealing asking to borrow money 'wings' while you're still at the jukebox dandruff missing a metaphor living in your highschool past gas pain body odour on a lengthy bus trip getting caught in a lie constant hiccups watching a very bad play cuming past the intended target the moment you're told that you are fired running from thugs too much blood in the lungs being called on your passive agressiveness realizing that you're allergic to something realizing that you were only dreaming explaining that you dont actually like sushi pulling out your back accepting hand outs key swapping with the wife vomitting from both ends describing your prejudices gun point starving artist with a starbucks cup eating too much in one sitting pink eye looking in the mirror, feeling fat bleeding out of your asshole realizing you're underdressed shot down, 4 am, seven eleven mile twenty three of twenty six point two deeming hitler a genius at a party explaining you're vegetarian explaining the bodies in the backyard shuttle disintegrating on earth's re entry growing pains feeling silly while trying to make a point having lawyers speak for you preferring morrissey to weezer listening to a biased argument david brent guilty of masterbation guilty of hating the chinese feeling it necessary to complain about the food being made to feel accountable bad cookies on the computer dry cough caught checking out your friend's refrigerator caught drinking on the job getting called on a bad hand wrists bleeding in a warm bath explaining that you don't understand the rules admitting to loving dumb films forgetting the bartender's name again receiving the door prize on your bike ovarian cancer cheating on somebody you love to no end a conversation you cant remember motionless after an argument -s.

January 19, 2006 A drunken preacher, a neuro-psychologist, a toll booth operator, 2 lambs, a registered nurse, a tax collector, a motion picture actor, a photocopier, a chain bridge painter, an art historian, a pin-wheel designer, an afghani aid worker, a child of 4, a burmese mountain dog breeder, a flag hoister, a bartender, a rabbi, a chain smoker, a Hungarian cabinet minister, an organ grinder, an altar boy with syphillis, an agent orange experimentee, a paranormal psychologist, Jean Claude Van Damme, an NHL referee, the ghost of Desi Arnaz, a helium balloon inflater, a mesomorph, a pole vaulter, a rookie security guard, an unemployed tunnel engineer, a modern dance artist, a manic depressive unicycle racer, a court stenographer with 2 broken legs, an editor of films, a proof reader, ateevee repair man, and the one eyed prince of an undisclosed micro-nationin the South Pacific were all in a rowboat last tuesday morning destined for the Falkland Islands. Around 8:30 am EST after a small craft warning had been issued the vessel disappeared from all GPS monitoring systems. No search effort is scheduled, no survivors expected. Amen
Our phone in question this evening is: Should federal MPs be forced to declare religious affiliationbefore they are sworn in? This question in response to a motion tabled by neo-con MP Bryant Dawson. K
January 11, 2006 A man describing himself only as Mr. Hodge continued what is now a 9 day sit in at the south entrance of the North Valley Federal penitentiary. Hodge has been sleeping in a pup tent outside the gates where the bus usually comes to deliver and process new inmates. When interviewed last monday as to why he was staging the demonstration he simply replied "oh, its not a demonstration, I just want to go home". It is not known at this time whether or not Mr. Hodge was ever in fact a prisoner at the institution.

In Late breaking entertainment news british actor Hugh Grant was spotted at Cumberland Terrace buying a pair of brown shoelaces. When approached he simply looked down at his feet and gave a shrug and a winning smile as if to say that he needed shoelaces.
More on that as the story unfolds.
K



wednesday january third 2007. wind southwest 30 kilometers per hour gusting to 50. for saturday periods of rain. environment of canada forecast issued at 10:40 am. malev flight 0094 bound for arrival at pearson international (temperature:8) 5:50pm e.t., was re-routed to guatemala due to bad weather. composting box was also re-routed due to bad weather. pour dimanche, normal pour la period and the dog (dallas, texas) is in the middle of a horrible dream. flickerflickerflickerflicker cold front. -sean "December 18

-The government of Canada’s website is tacky. When asked what they thought about this year’s new design 78% of those polled thought the site was ’very tacky’, 19% said it was ’alright’, and only 2% stated that they felt the new design was ’excellent and informative’. One visitor went as far as to say that it was ’frighteningly americanny in its colour scheme and layout’."

november 28 oh six >At 10.30 AM today..998 MB low over southern Indiana with southwest to northeast trough average pressure 1018 MB extending from low through to south of Lake Ontario. 1028 MB high over Northern Ontario with ridge average pressure 1020 MB extending from northern Manitoba through high to Timmins. By 10.30 AM Saturday..992 MB low over New Brunswick with east to west trough average pressure 1012 MB extending from low through Lake Superior. Forecast: ..Gale warning in effect.. Gales northeast 40 knots shifting to southwest 35 this afternoon then increasing to 45 this evening. Gales veering to west 35 after midnight then diminishing to 30 early Saturday morning. Rain tapering to isolated showers this evening then changing to wet flurries near midnight. Waves near 3 metres. Outlook..Strong westerlies. sports coming up next, followed by an open discussion on pearl diving versus land mines. your calls are important. it's five o'clock. (sean) >

Light snow early this evening made for some slippery roads. Andrássy út and Károly krt. Were closed were for a candle-lit march condemning police use of tear-gas, rubber bullets and mounted charges on a largely peaceful crowd of people on October 23rd of this year. Commemorations have been held since then to mark significant events of the Uprising of 1956. On this day fifty years ago soviet tanks returned to Budapest to crush the civilian forces’ efforts to end soviet rule. Today, was peaceful and snowy. The march ended with most people placing their candles on sidewalks, bus ticket machines and benches, then going home.
 This just in, Toronto’s CN Tower still tallest building in the world and, Mandarin the most widely spoken language. Interestingly, there are plans by the Chinese to build a taller building, and thousands of native english speaking post college students travel to foreign countries every year teaching something called „ESL”, it is suspected that by 2012 „ESL” will be the most spoken language in the world.While the precise linguistic origins of „ESL” are unknown, expert linguists believe it is probably of indo-european origin. 
In other news Slovak troops will be pulling out of Iraq in February, 2007. Removing troops from the US led operation was a large part of Prime Mininster Robert Fico’s election campaign. The 110 troops were largely involved in clearing mines. (Kevin)

friday november third 2006 toronto weather today sunny with cloudy periods. a high of three degrees. tonight a low of minus two with increasing cloud. winds thirty kilometres west. fielding calls today over the increased whaling off iceland. the question of course being should the government of iceland be spending more time and money to develop the nation's whale watching industry as a healthy alternative? beautiful country. really beautiful i'm not kidding, even from the aircraft window you could tell alot was going on down there. so many bars, so much sunlight and so much darkness. aha. a real rebirth. do we travel or do we boycott? well, you know the number. lines are open right after this. (sean)

 tuesday, october 31, 2006 good evening. john franklin died early this morning when he and his crew were caught in impenetrable ice. the rest of his crew also perished in an attempt to march overland to safety. franklin was best known for his developments in finding a route to the northwest passage and his passion for cricket. he was sixty-one. (sean) 

October 19th 2006
Stick this in your pipe and smoke it folks: Three little pigs held up the national bank in South Central today. In what can only be described as a slaughterhouse the porcine felons mowed down six police officers stationed in the adjoining parking lot. Bystanders said that a commotion started inside, several loud bangy type noises were heard, some profane language intermingled with copious grunting. The three charged out of the front doors carrying a load of what is suspected to be over 3 million USD. A getaway car was idling in the parking lot. As the three curly tailed perpetrators hopped into the car they fired old fashioned tommyguns into the line of police cars. The driver was unidentified but was said to have had beedy little eyes that burned like the pits of Hell. All attempts to pursue failed when they approached the on-ramp to the major highway, a hot air balloon inflated from the roof of the vehicle and carried the offenders high above the clouds. As it rose, one little pig with a high pitched voice and an elephant mask on yelled „Riddle tee hee, you can’t catch me, fiddle dee dee”. No film available.


september 30
In addition, an eight x eight platform raised two feet from floor with two armchairs kiddy corner to each other, beside each a small monoleg table with a glass of water, a half filled jug and a notepad. Over head a poly-directional mic for voice pick up, this is a studio, it is for broadcast. Is there actually a broacast I don’t know. This should be in relative centre of room. You can only sit there if you are wearing a shirt and tie and a pair of serious glasses evoking another time. On Air sign applicable whether true or not true. This is for opinion this is for innappropriate commentary this is for getting banned from airwaves this is for scandal this is to have the plug pulled this is pirate this is the evening news



September 18 2006
-Grace finally committed after long night involving thrown objects, dancing of illusory nature. A member of the family who wished not to be named stated „Its not what anybody wanted but we had no choice, no one wants to see a loved one singing to an audience that isn’t there. Especially opera!” Comments regarded as insensitive by other family member. In other news, 
-independent statistical analysis firm confirms suspicions that: more dead people than alive people. „You just have to consider that the world has been around for a long long time, and every year of humankind’s existence people have died, well except for maybe the first couple of days, and the fact that there are more people alive now than ever before just can’t compete with thousands upon thousands of previous years” source did not explicitly state what formula was used to arrive at conclusion, but long been considered common sense. 
-E
xaggerated „violence” in nation’s capitol was not work of rowdy football fans despite reports, generally peaceful gathering began in early afternoon and grew exponentially throughout in response to PM’s comments that he and his government had lied for the past 4 years. 
-More on that in the late edition. good morning good night.
Kevin (ce, ee)


September 16th 2006
Sean MacMahon:

With story I think comes a performance, I don’t mind that, not that there are no ways of storytelling via installation, I’m just looking for some clear. Whatever ends up happening I think there should be a solid plan, so we can set up and then spend time being interesting within. Maybe the story can come out regardless of who or how many are there at any given time. Crap shoot you know? So pieces of it are disseminated at different moments, often repeated. Would like tohave a feeling of sparsity, closer to the trilogie set than the in flight one. Focus on content rather than outhouses and fusilages (not that they were not great). I have an idea that there could be moments using field reports by positioning ourselves in front of a backdrop (say a blown up photo of whistler, or the jungles of vietnam?) in front of the camera and project that image onto a screen, so it looks like a cheap fake false location. Very dad’s basement don’t you think? I think theres a lot of potential there though.

See some text I’ve made down below…

Kevinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn



earlier today, milk was bought for morning coffee while a nootka cedar was planted somewhere in the backyard. later a squirrel was seen jumping from one branch to another stealing all of the crab-apples. "look at him," was heard from someone nearby, "he's loving it." later on the same day, a quick lunch was thrown together involving olives, basil and feta followed by a bicycle ride to work in the rain. late evening a return bicycle ride in more of the same rain, near impact with taxi cab and glass of wine. this is the evening news. s. 

a weak low pressure centre about 180 miles west southwest of cape scott early this morning will move to near northwest this afternoon then will drift slowly to the southeast. over northern waters light to moderate southeasterlies will become light to moderate northerlies later today with the approach of the low. over central and southern waters light to moderate southeasterlies will increase to moderate to strong this morning with the approach of the low. local gale force southeasterlies are possible near the headlands of northwest of the island. gale warning continued. winds southeast 15 to 25 knots with occasional gales 35 near the headlands. winds becoming variable 5 to 15 this afternoon and northerly 10 to 20 this evening. showers and the risk of thundershowers. seas 2 to 3 metres. outlook, we're gonna need a bigger boat. our boys were young and they died young. we eat like babies. coming up next on the program; eating healthy for a healthier living and what really happened in oslo, 1852? but right now, a little miles davis and "it never entered my mind." sean.

 

A Little Story.

The goblin admitted to having stolen the three calfs from Farmer Brown with the intention of eating their hind quarters and then giving them back. Problem was he couldn’t go through with it and ended up feeling awkward paternal feelings for the calfs, so he gave them back, but asked if he could maybe visit his only friends once or twice a week.

 

A List of Things to Imagine.

1 Picture your city on fire

2 Think of the spot where you live 200 years ago

3 Imagine what it would be like to eat nothing but grass for a week

4 Picture yourself punching a moving train

5 Think of your city under water

6 Imagine what it would be like to not answer your phone

7 Picture yourself saving the life of someone who got away

8 Think about nothing for 3 moments

9 Imagine sprouting a tail one morning

10 Picture yourself winning a chess tournament blind-folded

11 Think of yourself as an imposter


September 14, 2006

Sean, Not exactly clear on your last posting there. About the animals I mean. Bicycles and boxing gloves can’t possibly be taken seriously. Last few entries on Black Book are starting to feel very much like news briefs, thats good, they are personal but also report-ish.

Been thinking a lot about what we do and how we do it. Lets kick this one up a notch. For next dispatch, lets be creative, instead of production and aesthetics, lets compose something (point form of course). Something like the list of saints or the curator bullshit down below in red. Lets generate some material, oh yeah and I am shooting stuff over here- for „reel”. Wacka-wacka, Be sure to have one for me at the meeting. Or 4. Oh, by the way there is a Saint Kevin, he was from Glendalough in Ireland, he is the patron saint of blackbirds. He was once said to have been meditating when a bird landed in one of his hands which were outstretched, he was so calm that the bird laid an egg there, and Ole Saint Kevin reportedly did not move until the egg hatched.

This just in! Apple falls far from tree!

Kevin (of no particular religious persuasion)


kevin, i'm meeting with D.O. sometime next week for a drink and a chat. i agree with a story, or rather some kind of thematic bind to the whole thing. careful with the animal thing. concerns take me back to n.f.a.t. and 8:00. bury the hatchet. also i'd rather find the humour when dealing with animalism or, rather, animals in the place of human animals. starting to feel sucky and a bit too sentimental.? blahblahblah. take it easy. party hardy. care package on it's way. from sean. 

Yes yes, good idea (bear suits, though I am fond of raccoons and squirrels too). If we are going to wear animal suits at some point then I think we should also wear boxing gloves and spar a little, or ride bicycles.

I think our earlier point about antiquated communication is key. Brush up on our morse code I say, there is also the radio alphabet (alpha, beta…x-ray, yankee, zebra)STOP. Get it?

The use of foreign languages as code etc (as per navaho circa WWII)

I like specifics mixed in with fiction, so it gives people something to think about. I think its okay to think of this in terms of an installation project, but I do feel the urge to also explore a story in some way, though in our past stuff story may not be immediately evident but it is always there. If anything I think the story should focus around a couple of little animals lost at sea, who are delayed in their mission to deliver mail to a faraway land by bad weather. Correspondence…

Over,
K


September 4 2006

september something we should pick up an old mobile and do a pay as you go sort of thing in order to take requests on material. no i haven't seen the film. the anachronistic report seems to be inevitable as history does indeed repeat and we're never all that precious about specifics more the thought. bear suits. tapa is 280 even to porch it. love sean. (for now at least) 


Okay, so I’m up for archiving and collecting news items for the broadcasts (whatever form they may take) Have you seen the film „Culloden” you should. I like the idea of the anachronistic news report. I am reading Trinity by Leon Uris right now, and there is very much a sense of history repeating itself. Perpetual oppression and backlash. Maybe what I am getting at is that by reporting the past the cycles become more obvious against the backdrop of a reported present. Should we put brackets around reports, or leave them open. I’m thinking of juxtaposing something like the Canadian military activity in Afghanistan with the colonization of India, or South Africa for instance. We’ve only really touched on this sort of thing in idea form, not in actual presentation. Whaddja think?

Awaiting next dispatch.... 
Kevin


August 15th 2006
Dear Canada,

Yes, I still like two booths, one empty might look nice… or maybe for participation from audience. I was thinking of the little burning house as a film related image anyhow, so thats fine. It will also keep the fire-prevention marshalls happy. As long as penalty kicks are in there somewhere I will be happy. I like the idea of some aggressive physical activity (football) to counter point a performance/installation presence style that can be more relaxed. I think there should be an abundance of hand written or old school typed notes everywhere for us to pick up and read in this/these booth(s). Perhaps a spectator would like to read as well, maybe there is a small comfortable, library-esque nook in the corner with a comfy chair, and a small radio playing short wave. I think there is an aspect of „controlled information emerging for me that leads me to suggest that we design a symbol of state approval(a seal, or stamp), and neutralize all objects in the room with it. I think this ties into the title nicely. We are editting, streamlining and thus- controlling the flow of information to the public’s benefit. There have been military operations where the soldiers were not actually told where they were going or who the people were they would be killing (little lambs led to slaughter little lambs).
K, Budapest


august 14 
dear eastern europe, it has come to my attention, as of late, that i'm not all that keen on "the evening news" or "(small craft warnings)" to be much of a performance at all, but rather a come and go event in the way of a live installation. perhaps one "on the air" booth of which we share... in the way of taking rotating time slots.. ie. one in the booth, the other outside doing more practical things. OR two "on the air" booths, one for each of us with different broadcasts. headphones a plenty. music etc. we could acquire a mobile hotline for requests even prior to puting this pig up. was thinking that perhaps maybe the idea of burning and penalties might be better off purily as visuals pre recorded.? by the way, are you shooting stuff over there? you should. lemme know what you think and i hope this finds you well. love sean.


August 10th, 2006

Mmm-Hmm, yes okay. This would physically illustrate a distinction between public and private. It would also allow for some smooth tech, as one of us could reign over sound(you) the other visz stuff. Still think that a mid show penalty kick-round is not outside of the theme but I remain flexible. Trust my prior experience, unless you know someone in the plexiglass business, its mighty pricey. Call Godbolt, he’s business savvy, maybe he can outsource some for us! So what are the blessed cubicles made of. I want them, but Quelle material? I also think it’s important to remember that we make the rules on this one. We don’t have to have a „show” per se.

Being Showbiz, its always hard to turn out the footlights, and deny the bountiful bouquets, but we can be as in process as we like here, I think (oiye?).

Seriously though what do you think of setting something on fire? I’m thinking of a tiny house made of used matchsticks that is presented on a video zoom projection live. And dust off the old toy piano for that one. Sing Damnit! Sing!
Love, Kev


august 9th, 2006 (my sister's birthday) "the evening news/ small craft warnings" by e.e. two booths.. one for you one for me. head phones only to listen. (like eight sets apiece) completely separate, but across from eachother. interactive and intimate. record players. reports. requests. news. lies. could something like this work? love sean. 

August 5th 2006-08-05 (no coast time- I'm land-locked)

Mmm Hmm,I do get excited don’t I. Fine form Sean. You are correct, We do want to avoid a mess, and we do both seem to want to explore out-moded communication methods, or antiquated technology. I maintain my lack of interest in shoes, and in setting something on fire. I think it would be nice to incorporate some sort of game, or sport- perhaps as a half-time intermission break thingy. I think your concern is bang-on that our tending skills would pretty much shut out any serious attempts by any molly-coddled hockey loving Torontoites. Also I need to specify here, it is a football boner, not a Zidane boner (his behaviour was memorable, good showmanship at least! And man, I would hate to be on the receiving end of a shock from that melon- geez!) Hey by the way, I just found out from some web searching that George Best used to play for the Cherries, the Bournemouth football club- my parents home town. I don’t think he was in peak form at the time. Bournemouth never really makes the news.


friday, august fourth.. 8:08 am left coast time.

all good kevin, although in regards to your zidane boner we should seriously work out design as i know we've talked about keeping things a little more simple from now on. ie. 1 theme. 1 thought. work away on that and avoid blowing loads (so to speak) with trying to do too much. i like the fragments (trilogie) but attacking too many concepts or mis-matched ideas (inflght movie) could end up messy as hell (not for all this). just a thought. also, what happens if our football skills prove far too superior for our competitors?... a viewership full of lampards. well, my jesus, where would we be then?

either way, i'd really like to incorporate marine radio (for obvious reasons), weather watch, currents and tidal reports. i like your simple video idea.

that's it for now.

sean. gabriola island, BC


August 4th 2006

Okay, this is a bit kookoo perhaps, but I think since we are in Buddies and we may well have some space, I think we should create a makeshift football(soccer) net, and invite the audience to take foul shots on us. Maybe for the installation. I also very much like the idea of the snail mail request/record player/tin can phone (exhibit)/ old mechanix aspect. I will throw in the idea of a rotary dial phone and short wave radio. But I was also thinking of really magnified live video (single camera and screen, nothing fancy). So we could focus on one small part of something, like a little red light on the record player, or the needle, or your left ear(while you are on the phone. I dunno, this is what brain-storming is right. Sorry I have such a football boner right now. I think we should also use rain as a constantly re-occurring theme in our work. Cha cha cha. 
Kev-europa

july 14 '06 so if we run on this idea of a goddamned installation (and true to the words) than perhaps the form CAN dictate the material. i'm thinking old microphones, old speakers, old record players for breaks. if there is any interaction than perhaps it could be done through mail. i'm thinking snail mail where people send letters to the p.o. box and request music, ask questions, pose topics or create current events. maybe, kevin, in this way we could have specific ""performance"" times around these correspondances, OR just keep it loose like 'inflight movie' was and have the fucker as an on-going thing.? personally i think some sort of loose timeframe would work better, even a three or four hour slot each evening or something. hell, lord of the... i like the evening news as a working title. i'm also into a moderately long title involving radio or even not. (william wore short pants right up until his final year.) ida know. maybe we should scrap the radio idea.
sean x

July 12 (sorry, I should have stuck this here right away)
Can I say it is going to be something to do with private vs. Public information/space? I’ve just been thinking that we are using the website as a publicly viewable creation tool, but we are also communicating privately. That coupled with your idea about booths, and radio etc. Has made me think that we should let the form dictate the content. Also how we can get bashed around in private and or public, but we don’t always wear those experiences on our sleeves. We are always hiding something from everyone around us. If you have 2 prosthetic legs, but you learn to walk with a natural swagger, in pants no one would ever know that you had been amputated and that that forms a huge part of your personality. I will also need a title, heres some ideas (nothing concrete) that have been floating through my head.:
Public Domain,
The Evening News
Garden of Blood!
Sudoku…Fuck You!
The TD-Canada Trust-Waterhouse-Meloche Monnex Group presents…
Okay, I actaually only  like the first 2, well maybe the third as well.
Help, dry as a bone.
SOS
Kevin 

june2006
I love Plexiglass, but its as expensive as sin. I like the booth idea. Radio is always good….. short wave.
Been thinking a lot about injuries and classic literature. Out dated language: forsooth, hitherto, zounds, that type of thing. When we did NFAT at harbourfront I really liked our biographies in the programme: a list of personal injuries in conjunction with 20th century tragedies. That big scar on my leg from a bike accident in 2005 still there. Just made me think about how sometimes we get altered. 
Don’t we always think our stuff is going to be an installation? I don’t know what the word means anymore. It seems I go see stuff that is billed as an installation and then it ends up having a curtain call. 
I think we should not wear shoes, and we should set something on fire.

Like?

K

june 26/ 06 i'm thinkin some kind of radio drama or radio play or perhaps something we score live to film. the environment completely restricted with plexiglass cubicles, a real fucking maze throughout. maybe our communication is through walkie talkie, or telephone line or tin can. maybe guests can participate in a different booth. ida know... this all seems more installation than anything else right now. toronto.

enemy archive 1 (random random random)

 
June 19th, 2006
a museum tour guide starts lying about the exhibits he starts telling the visitors that dinosaurs caused the ice age that sea anemones caused the ebola virus that we all came from lichen that there are no toilets on the third floor (mesopotamia) he says that there is a fire and that history will be lost forever and that anyone who parked their car on the avenue outside would be towed starting now (see how they run) and that smiling man in the corner has a gun and is too chicken to use it but he stops himself and says okay i’m okay i’m okay and the exits are there there and there and have a nice day please and don’t put chewing gum on the mammoth in the lobby


June 20th, 2006 AD
There should be memorial-type monuments for the following:

1 Yuri Gagarin at every US airport

2 The first person to climb the CN Tower (it should be located about halfway up the outside of the elevator shaft.)

3 Structures that look like old buildings placed over top of every new building built.

4 The first bird that mis-navigated its way to death by flying into the side of any major bank tower at night because they left the lights on

5 Farmers

6 People who get struck by lightning on bicycles

7 Quality hand-made merchandise (these should be placed in front of every Wal-Mart, and Target store)

8 Innocent sunshine, and refreshing rain.

9 Playing tag, hide & seek, red rover, and in some cases- street hockey

10 Great Orators






june21st, 2006

Alright S, so here are some words…

 

vulgar, silence, bliss, mechanized, ubjo, oiseau, hermit, calculatrice, battery (double meaning), ellipse, endgame, parabola, krankenwagon (sp?), dilletante, prat, motorway, badger, pull-over, duck (double meaning), epoch, joist, Mr. Know-it-All, scapula, cacahuette, pluribus, csütörtök, basin, bison, boisson, bench-warmer, bed-wetter, puddle-jumper, weenie-shrinker, pistol, anaesthesia (also a lovely girl’s name), stink-bomb, pen-knife, despot, grotto, plasma, paleozoic, neo-classical (although it I can’t imagine what it means) termite, trench warfare, blast furnace, Little Miss Fancy-Pants, buzzard, anglo-saxon, fog, mesomorph, triptych, bum, homogenous, ketamine, xylophone, oolagen (sp?) hostile, shit-ticket, grapple, necropolis, yurt, swipe, and curmudgeon & chloroplast.

If you have a favourite word, you should write it down too, with a pen, on a piece of paper just like the good old days. Not like this.

 

And here are some Saints I think should be named.

 

Saint Greg: Patron Saint of cul-de-sacs and over-cooked supper.

Saint Johnny: Patron Saint of drug mules and get rich quick schemes.

Saint Brandy: Matron Saint of failed pornographers and lyposuction clinics

Saint Bradley: Patron Saint of field hockey players and premature ejaculation

Saint Grouchy: Patron Saint of business attire and traffic jams

Saint Resina: Matron Saint of off-shore oil rigs and ringing in the ears

Saint Shane: Patron Saint of football cleets and the unfairly lobotomized

Saint Gretchen: Matron Saint of bed-wetters and lyrically challenged song-writers

(she’s very busy)

Saint Mule: Saint of donkeys, horses, and their sterile offspring

Saint Hugh/Bernice: Double Saints of dress down days and those little hand-sized computers everyone’s always poking away at everywhere, at all times… I’m not judging, just mentioning. Okay, I’m judging- life was fine before you could check your email while driving a car, drinking a coffee, scratching your balls and combing your hair all at the same time! Geez.

Saint Martha: Matron Saint of technophobes and sanctimonious pedestrians

 

Thats all for now, lets call the Pope!

 

Good night, and sweet dreams.

K


 

 


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